(to the tune of “Pony” as recorded by Ginuwine)
Sam was just a bachelor
Swiping for a Tinder date
One who could dance on tables
Without even falling off
Lauren was compatible
They went to the Lakefront
Fast forward to Breckenridge
This was the proposition Sam popped:
You're single, let's do it, try it, matrimony
My finger is waiting, come put a ring on it
Nursing's Lauren's day job
Sam, he is an engineer
Super Smash Brothers, he plays
Meanwhile, Lauren's grooming Sage
Lor, she had a goth phase
Way back in the eighth grade
Sam programs irrigation times
Tomatoes growing on the vine
Soon they're gonna get sandy, baby
First they'll show and tell
Then he'll reach for his cocktail
Lurk all over and through her baby
Until they reach the beach
Playing Doctor, Lauren's 'Teach'
(to the tune of “We Are the Champions” as recorded by Queen)
The pandemic arrived
it changed our lives
Webex and masks
No more hugs goodbye
Thought it’d last just weeks
but dragged on for months
we monitored our trend lines for some hope
finally got some
It took four champions, Val’s one
Jo Ree, Melissa and Adam
(to create a) best practice vaccine
at Sky Ridge, you see
They begged and borrowed
from near and from far, oh
Raised the bar
A mere thank you
that wouldn’t do
enlisted a pro
to truly show you
We truly thank you
We know it was rough
But you shined bright like the stars that you are
And made us proud of…
You, you’re the champions, my friends
And you’ll vaccinate til Covid ends
You are the champions, you are the champions
At best practice vaccines,
yes, you are the champions
of Sky Ridge
“Thank You”
(to the tune of “Thank You” as recorded by Dido)
Building a business with no startup
capital is hard
Fortunately I was born for this
but cash still plays a part
my dad pitches in, he is not rich
but he believes in my art
it means the world, I'm humbled by it
forever in debt
Starving artists, we face obstacles
that's understated
tumors, homelessness, unemployment
“worthless” English majors
this old man's been there through thick and thin
braggin' to strangers
that his son makes a good hooker,
a red-haired her
I want to thank you
for being the best damn dad of my life
('cause there were so many other candidates;)
Oh just to be your son
is getting the best deal of my life
Keeps me fed with his salsa
apple butter, pickles too
Chauffeurs me when my car breaks
even when I'm dressed like a dude
have you seen my new website?
My dad bartered for it with his wife's son
He's a gem and a gentleman
I want to thank you
for being the best damn dad in my life
(though the imaginary one is gaining on ya)
I love bein' your son
despite Trans-Siberian Orchestra, you like;)
Dads. Some bring home the bacon and others wear aprons. They can be hard to shop for, especially when limiting your options to physical presents. But experiences often make better gifts than physical ones. A singing telegram is a great example of an experiential gift that’s guaranteed to be memorable. What kind of singing telegram would dad enjoy? Sending a sexy nurse, Marilyn Monroe, Princess Leia or Lady Footballer to make him blush is one option. Satiating the music fan in the old man with a rock & roll, hip hop or Johnny Cash homage is another. And then there's laughter, the gift that never gets old. Roasting pops with a personalized parody song is a surefire way of doubling your inheritance (or getting left out of the will). We're kidding – but that's the point. Wherever your male parental unit lives, we've got you covered with virtual performances via Zoom and FaceTime. Call, email or text us today if you'd like to make this Father's Day the best ever.
With Mother’s Day around the corner, I’m curious: What was the worst thing you did as a kid? My sister and I once had a house party when my mom was out of town. When my buddy Lex barfed on the brand new [beige] carpet, we tried to spot-clean it with bleach. That genius miscalculation devalued the selling price of our childhood home by a cool grand. But it's the third verse climax of my Mother's Day Beatles parody “Sorry for the Bad Things We Did (As Kids),” a Mother’s Day singing telegram formula cooked up by my publicist Erin Barnes and I. It’s a winning formula. Check out the version I wrote for my mom below, and let us know if we can apologize to your mom in similar musical fashion.
While I’m often great at conceiving parody songs, I’ve got to give credit to my breakdancing real estate agent friend for this idea. Enjoy:)
Know someone who was born on St. Paddy's? Wanna embarrass someone just for the fun of it? Check out the Irish-ish singing telegram that Orange peel performed at Webroot a few years ago:)
